No More Visualization

And the time has come ... 

Our suffering is over - it took almost 22 months and it changed so many things one can hardly believe. Grandmother's leaving was sudden, yet expected and welcomed and I also have a story to add. 

Grandparents' flat has been empty for some time now, for a reason. I decided that I will somehow utilitize the furniture, at least some of it. It is old, clean but with flair! I don't have the heart of stone to throw it away! The first piece I aquired was an old lamp of 60s in so-called Brussel style.  Nice, not damaged but 3 original colorful shades were long time ago replaced by ugly glass shades, which apparently didn't go together with slender body of the lamp. And I wanted it original! I searched whole country (virtually speaking) to find original shades - but to no avail:-( After months of reasoning, searching and contemplating I found a man in Prague who searches for soul in old things - a restorator. Tens of e-mails, in couple of months and the deal was set. He manufactured brand new shades in colour I chose. 

He did a great job - I was so excited when the shields arrived. I installed them immediatelly and the feeling of having an old piece in new attire was so overwhelming that I decided to go to hospital next day and tell Grandma about her lamp having started a new career in my living room. I knew it would have made her happy. The emotion was so intense that I literally saw myself in her hospital room, being bent over her and telling her about the lamp and its new shades. I even looked forward to it - positive emotion of this kind is definitely profitable to everyone, even if you are in coma. This visualization brought such a spirit to me! 

The next day in the  morning my Mum calls ...as usual: When I see her calling me, I always get the feeling that "it" is over. Following thought was: But I didn't tell Grandma about the lamp! Hunch? Maybe. But I was definitely right - she passed away at night of 22nd/23rd April, leaving me with unspoken words of a new soul in an old lamp - in HER old lamp.

All this confirms my theory of visualization - whenever I see clearly anything is happening, it will NEVER happen. My brain goes against stereotypes - people have visions that come tru. My visions do not come true. True story!
P.S. Picture is to come...

Wedding Inspiration

Weddings are all around me and I cannot hide anymore. There have been weedings from time to time, some more or less distant friends, relatives or acquitances. Now it is different - close friends or colleagues are ready to tight the knot and I am becoming part of it. Even if I am not invited, you cannot miss these occasions on Facebook. I admit it is nice to scroll though the pictures and to check who did the hairdo, make-up or the accessories. Hundreds of styles, thousands of tastes. So many questions in my head...some of them do not have answers.

Do I want this for myself? (Really?) Am I able to organise a wedding that would be perfect in my eyes and entertaining for all guests? (Hard to say) Do I want to spend half a day at the stylist for a 10-minute speech at the Town Hall (if not elsewhere)? (No! I need a long speech and all the tingly-wingly thingies have to take its time too) Is it worth all the money? (It will cost fortune) Is my marriage going to last? (Divorce rate in the Czech Republic in 2012 is 45% and this is actually a decrease to 2011. And I am a bitch!) Does it guarantee hapiness? (Noooo, definitely not) Will I be satisfied with the dinner party? (It is so hard to find a reasonable restaurant!) Will I be proposed? (I seriously doubt that because when I met my boyfriend (and hopefully husband-to-be) I made it clear that I do not want to get married) Will I bear the wedding ring on my ring finger? (Very unlikely, I wear rings only on middle fingers or index fingers)

When I get down from the sky, I pay a thought to my vanity - money can be easily spent elsewhere, doesn't it? And yes - I changed my mind. I do want to be proposed! But I do not want to get married. Just maybe if I come up with some awesome programme for dinner party and the ceremony, if I win lottery to pay for the wedding, if I  find some great restaurant for dinner party, if he proposes, if I train my ring finger for a wedding ring, if...

All this confirms my theory, that wedding is not a matter of decision but a matter of development. A proper mature development of two loving creatures. Then he does not love me enough to make a step ahead and I am just a littler girl that needs to grow up and live through to her big wedding day!  

So lazy ...

It has been ages since when I posted my last addition to Blogspot. I am so lame! 1 post in February 2013 - really??? Shame on me. The truth is that a lot is happening and I do not know exactly how to deal with it. It is swirling in my head but I am not sure if it is publishable - the issues are coming in spiral and are related to last year's sad story of my Granny having fallen into coma.

Enough nagging - I am going to be more active! I just made a decision! Just have to find some tempting topics ...

Story of a 3rd Grandmother

New year of 2013 started quite smoothly, no hilarious celebrations. Au contraire, sad mood keeps draging on and there are no positive lights at the end of the tunnel.

The first serious hit arrived at my mail box on Wednesday mid-February - white envelope with familiar handwriting. I feared the worst and I was right. My 3rd Grandmother died on Friday February 8th 2013. Nothing more, nothing less. I knew I wouldn't make it for the Friday's funeral and had no information whatsoever. And I do not have it up to now. Silly of me to think that the guys (my ex or his sister) would contact me per my request enclosed to the condolence. They can  hardly knew that I cared so much for her. 

On Christmas 2012 we did not go to see her as we wanted to go the cemetry to lay the flowers to my Grandfather's grave instead. I missed my last chance to see her and will always remember the prick at my heart when she disappointingly repeated the message that I was not coming with my parents to see her on December 26th. I planned to pay her a visit some time in 2013. Apparently someone has changed his mind ... Rest In Peace, Babičko S.

Autumn

Looks like autumn is here. In the morning it is so freaking cold that I am tempted to take my winter jacket. 4°C are fine with that but later in the afternoon the weather becomes milder and it is not that bad...but those mornings! So what about snow - when?

Liar Liar

My GP doctor died on Saturday (aged 54) - sad thing as it is but this whole thing is beyond unbelievable. Having spent almost 20 years with a tyrant husband brought her life to an early end, supported by a rapid progress of the breast cancer. Yesterday, we had to listen to lines of utter LIES that were streaming out from the mouth of the lady reading the funeral oration he has written. One rubbish after another. None of us mourners had enough strenght to demonstrate our scorn for HIM. Stealthy looks of patients and neutral glances of others did not betray any feelings but WE ALL KNOW about you!
She does not have to suffer anymore. Awfull to say this - I am glad she is gone. I truly hope she finds peace in her soul because she really deserves it. Rest in peace!

While Waiting

...for the unevitable to come, I approached to the point when I can also occupy my mind with creative ideas. Having a partner brought me a new venture - cooking (oh, what a surprise!). Or I might also name it a cooking experiment. I am not a cook, actually I am quite clumsy and cannot cook almost anything of Czech cuisine but thanks to internet, invention is lurking on me from the bottom shelf of my brain.

The first test was steak tartare achieved in my own hand - or a piece of beef in symphony with my new blender. As it came unplanned, I forgot to acquire old loaf of bread necessary to make fried bread but who would care. Wholecorn bread slices also did the thing and garlic was applied in slices. Red wine, suitable with beef meat, was also not somehow available (see the notion of "unplanned"). OK...some flies in the ointment, but the result was more then satisfactory.
Beefroot is said to be healthy and I happen to love it so what else we can do with it but the beetroot stew with thyme and butter I cooked several times already? Beetroot spread! So this recipe of mine (internet-inspired) became my second first. Actually second second because the real second first did not turn out due to unpredictable incompatibility of ingredients. Combination 2 beetroots, onion, gervais (do not use ricotta) and salt/pepper conjures a marvelous taste! Simple recipe: grind the cooked beetroot, add chopped onion plust the rest. Yummy!
The third first is only half-way through. Marinated pork ribs are still in the fridge enjoying a spa-therapy of honey, garlic, lime sauce, lime shavings, chilli, oil and pepper. What comes out of this is one huge question mark. I will know tomorrow when I am going to grill it (in the kitchen oven though). If it turns out well, I'll be in gourmet heaven as it smells so good. And one thing I know for sure - if it is edible, we will sleep with our backs turned on each other as our breaths will be so garlicy, that none of us would be able to endure it. The recipe said - add 5 cloves of garlic...
And last but not least - my firstcooking-oriented blog contribution this is!

Holiday...ing

I have been away from all the problems for a week. Physicall distance that is hard to cross slightly easies all the hardship I am going through at the moment. Problems mutliply, unfortunately. I have no choice but to accept as it comes - there is nothing you can do about people who are dying. I wish I had the power. Patiently waiting for what comes next, I buried myself into world of grief to make myself ready. Is it at all possible to get ready? Lets wait and see...I will be able to tell you soon.

A Letter to Sleeping Grandmother

Dear Granma,

When I talk to you, you are deep asleep and you don´t hear me. I want to tell you so many things but you don´t listen. You can´t. My words are tammed by the hospital room and my tears are swallowed by my cleavage when they are dripping from my chin. Holding your hand is not enough, for me. I want you to complain of anything! I want you to gossip on hospital personnel and hear your observations. But then I just cream your tense complexion with your favourite almond cream, also your hands need a bit of it, they are dry. The scar on your head is healing well but it needs a bit of some softening too. From time to time you wiggle your shoulder or foot and I eagerly wait for more movements to show me that you feel my touch. My 10-minute allotment is soon over but I am allowed to stay longer because we all believe our words and soft toouch will be good for you. Leaving the place, I wash my hands but the moment I need to blow my nose in the lift, I smell your cream - the cream you´ve been using for 50 years. The smell I will recognize anytime anywhere. I wash my hands at home, and again and again but the cream smell still persists on my fingers telling me that you are still here with us - sleeping.

I need you to be home for my birthday lunch next weekend. Sunday, around 11:30 ...this is your lunch time. You are always hungry by this time. I make sure we cook something of your favourites. Soup will be served too, of course!

I guess you had enough of sleep so please - come home back to us. We are waiting for you. Grandpa quit smoking, so awesome he is. We miss you so much.

Kisses,

Your loving granddaughter

Story of a 2nd Grandfather

How shall I put it ...?

On Monday morning I arrived at work straight from the airport and my Mum called me that my Father's Father died on Monday morning April 23rd at 10 a.m. It came all of a sudden to me but they knew from Thursday that he was admitted to hospital with some kind of heartstroke but they prevented me from knowing as I was about to leave for a weekend holiday to the Netherlands. Meanwhile I light-heartedly enjoyed the Flatland, he was almost unconsious and dying slowly.

He left us piecefully, almost no pain. No one recognised that he had a 6-cm tumor in the head - the doctors found it out on Wednesay last week. But he was falling slowly into his inner word and there was no chance that he would be submitted to any kind of oncological treatment ... 

On Monday morning he had no strenght to go on and stepped to the other world. My 2 Grandfathers are in heaven - one of them is digging in the heavenly garden and the other one is doing some woodcarving.

REST IN PEACE!